Articles,Interviews,Reviews

DAILY POST

simonnapierbell.com

emails prior to Oct 31 2005

MONDAY OCTOBER 31 2005
From: Screwball Dingbat, Bridlington, Yorkshire
To:simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hey simon

i been watching that boys & girls programme and think it's pretty cool but I don't get all the boys being girls and girls being boys bit – I gotta tell you I liked the book better when you put it all down to drugs

drugs is something I can understand but all this dressing up funny stuff isn't my scene - even when I dig the music it seems wrong to be talking about it in terms of what they dress not of what they play

why didn't you leave it as it was – drugs is cool man – this stuff is weird

SCREWBALL

Hi Screwball

This is just a different interpretation of the same stuff. Everything in this series was in the book too. It's just that we thought for TV it would be more interesting to emphasise the sexual side of things. Too be honest, the two should run by side by side, which was the way I had it in the book. Still – I think the programmes looks good and aren't as weird as you seem to think.

Cheers
SIMON

SUNDAY OCTOBER 30 2005

From: George Selhurst, Basingstoke, Surrey
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

Watching Boy & Girls on the BBC last Sunday I enjoyed being reminded of the time in the Sixties when Mick Jagger was arrested on a drugs charge and the police, when they raided his house, were said to have found Marianne Faithful naked, doing something questionable with a Mars bar. At that time I worked in wholesale delivery and remember the way sales of Mars bars jumped up in the week that followed. At the warehouse they even ran out for a few days. Did anyone ever find out what Marianne was actually doing with the Mars bar?

Yours
GEORGE

Hi George

I think the report at the time said the Mars bar was still in its wrapper. This suggests it was being used as an object rather than a source of chocolate delight. But with Mars bars being only four inches long and one inch thick it must have been a pretty unexciting object to use.

Though who knows… Perhaps compared with Mick it was quite a thrill.

Regards
SIMON

SATURDAY OCTOBER 28 2005

From: David Speake, Sec. Old Durstonian Association
To: Simon Napier-Bell & Simon Mulligan

To both Simons – who are both old Durstonians, one very respectable, the other notorious and louche!! Thank you for sending me emails about your forthcoming performances/tv programmes.

Simon Napier-Bell (very respectable??)

Simon Mulligan (notorious & louche?) or possibly the other way around?

Very interesting to see both your websites and what you are doing. Would you be interested in talking to the Old Durstonian Association in January sometime? If you could give me some available dates?

Free meal - opportunity to meet Mr Harrop who will be attending this year - Mrs Horniblow possible - and new Head Teacher of Durston, Mr Ian Kendrick. Plus of course your contemporaries, who I would make attempt to contact on your behalf? 1-15 minute speech required, about 40-50 attend, venue ex Caernarvon Hotel, Ealing (now Ramada Jarvis Hotel) early January to mid-February.

Contrast between a renowned musical performer and the ex manger of the Yardbirds. Well, it would be interesting?

Yours truly
DAVID SPEAKE

Hi David

I remember very little of my time at prep school – by that I mean Durston House, for in fact I went to three prep schools – a private one age five, a government one age seven, and then to Durston House age eight or nine. Having just spent two years at Ealing Primary, I arrived with the wrong accent and got a lot of stick from the other boys – worst of all from a boy called Levine, but I guess he was just giving me what he was getting from the other boys for anti-semitism seemed rife amongst the under tens.

There was a tall thin master who liked to whip boys across the bottom with a silver chain (me, so frequently that I simply wore an exercise book down my underpants for all his classes), and also liked banging boys on the head with heavy books. I also remember a pleasant and thoughtful headmaster who I rather liked.

There was another boy whose name escapes me but who must have been quite a friend since we travelled home to Ruislip on the tube every day and played tennis with each other in his garden at the weekends.

Apart from that I remember nothing, though there are photos in the family album of me in Durston House uniform. I'm afraid I have no idea who Mr Harrop is, nor Mrs Horniblow, but don't let any of that make you despair of me turning up for an old boys rally. I'm all for it, and this chap Mulligan sounds pretty OK. I must get hold of one of his records and have a listen.

So in general, you can count me in. On the other hand, I live mainly in Thailand these days and will only be able to make it if I have some other business going on in the UK at the time (which is quite possible).

Can we leave it open?

Best regards
SIMON

FRIDAY OCTOBER 28 2005

From: Miles Cain, London, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

Re your piece for the Independent.

Call me naive, but I think Bono really believes in what he's doing with his trade justice work etc. I am sure you were right with Malcolm McLaren, however, and I liked the Robbie Williams quote a lot.

I went to see a roots singer called Christine Collister a few weeks ago, at a pub in York . She said she was in Radio station in about 1984/5, and was coming downstairs with a guitar, when she hit George Michael in the groin with the case. She says she wonders if it had any influence on him.

Looking forward to watching ‘Boys & Girls' when I get a chance.

Ciao for now
MILES CAIN

Hi Miles

I don't think I suggested that Bono doesn't believe in the good work he does. In fact, rather the opposite. And he's certainly good at it.

Watching him on an American TV programme arguing with a right-wing fundamentalist US senator, Bono was brilliant, cool, restrained and persistent. But sometimes he seems to enjoy his charitable role just a little too much which makes him come across like some sort of substitute Pope.

However, what I was trying to say in my piece, was...

Make no mistake about it -Bono is well aware of the benefits to U2 of his presence on the world stage of international charity. His desire to be a saint might be genuine enough, but he's also happy to benefit from the publicity it gives him as a rock musician.

That's all
SIMON

THURSDAY OCTOBER 27 2005

From: C.J.Walton, Banglamung, Thailand
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Dear Simon

I have followed your arguments on genetics and religion with interest. However, I believe that those who believe in God may not be genetically modified, with the exception of Jews and Muslims, who naturally interbreed because of their so called faiths. In poor countries, such as Mexico and the Philippines, the church is all powerful because poor people cannot afford psychiatric advice. It was the same in England in the Middle-Ages when everyone who went to church was brainwashed into believing in miracles which made them forget that their real problem was grinding poverty. In the Middle-Ages the Squire of each village had the natural right of deflowering every girl and boy in his village. Obviously these children needed psychiatric help which, fortunately for them, was obtained free from the local vicar in exchange for additional sexual gratification. The Catholic Church in America is on the verge of bankruptcy because this cheap psychiatric help is still available.

Regards
CHRIS J. WALTON

Hi Chris

I enjoyed your brief thesis. Expanded somewhat it might make a good movie. You could combine it with re-incarnation and have the same character getting fucked by the church in every century from the dawn of time till today – possibly something of a hermaphrodite – who in the last chapter could be born again as a transsexual spiderman intent on reaping revenge on the world of religion. A Walt Disney production perhaps.

All the best
SIMON

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 26 2005

From: Dr Arnold Morales, Gibraltar
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Forgive me Mr Napier-Bell, but while your current emails seem to be solely concerned with a television programme in which you have been involved, I found in your Daily Post back correspondence an appallingly tasteless quote from you about religion. The particular comment I am referring to appeared in a piece you wrote considering the possibility that religious belief might be a genetic condition rather than a choice.

While I consider this highly unlikely, it is nevertheless a subject of great seriousness and not one to be written about with flippancy. Religious intolerance is the cause of so much misery in the world. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Yours
ARNOLD MORALES

Hullo Stuffypants.

I was just trying to provoke a little thought.

As I see it, it's all genetics which ever way you look at it. If religion is NOT genetically installed, then someone who believes in God must simply be suffering from a poor brain, which in itself must be the result of genetics. Whereas, if religion IS genetically installed in us, then perhaps that person has a reasonably good brain other than its genetic tendency towards religion.

So the only thing in dispute is… Are Christians dumb? Or are they of normal intelligence except for a genetic inability to think freely for themselves about religion?

If it's the latter, then I suppose I can no more blame their brains for standing up and pointing at God than they can blame my willie for standing up and pointing at good-looking young men.

Cheers
SIMON

TUESDAY OCTOBER 25 2005

From Michael Doiley. Show was great!!!!! It just goes to show, the truth about rock n' roll is MORE rock n' roll than the hype ever was! Looking forward to the book and next week's instalment.

From Simon D. I watched Girls And Boys on BBC 2 tonight; very enjoyable, and well researched too. I can see a visit to Borders being in order the next day or so. See if they've got Black Vinyl White Powder.

From Simon White. I didn't pick up your e-mail until this morning so I missed the programme. Murray caught it and said it was fine except for Harold Pendleton's dress sense!

From John Ferris. Enjoyed the show very much with a bottle of wine. Maybe I'm too young to remember the whole media thing with Marianne Faithful and the 'mars bar', but it made me chuckle!

From Sean Griffin. Watched and loved it, as did all my friends (they've all read B.V.W.P and I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch and loved those too!). I eagerly await the following episodes!

From: Adrian David. Superb programme. Looking forward to the rest of the series. Congratulations once again. Kindest regards.

From Philip Adey. There was a lovely early (too brief) shot of you as a young lad entrepreneur cut into you as a grown-up (did you ever?). To be fair to them I didn't recognise the story line of the book, as such, in the show. Well they could hardly be that explicit could they?

From Gregory Gray. It was simply a cut above the usual cheesy lazy editorials of fifty best this or fifty campest that. It was fun to see you interviewed. You got a nice face and talking voice. I do wish you'd wear your hair just a little shorter though. How bold of me to say so.

From: Daniel Abineri. I tuned in with great interest last night. I must say for one strange moment I thought I was watching a re-run of my own 1999 documentary 'Walk On The Wildside: Androgyny in Pop' which I was sure wasn't the main thrust your book. I could have done with a lot more of you and your almost scientific deconstruction of the forces behind pop. What happened to your insights on dance styles, drugs and BPM's? It's almost as if the makers lost confidence in the source material halfway through and went for Cilla and her startling revelation that 'the Beatles were fab'. All very confusing. Great to see all the old footage again though. Have just finished the Wham in China book which I thought was sublime. Don't suppose there's a doc in that one as most of the Chinese players will no doubt have vanished without trace?

To Daniel Abineri from Simon Napier-Bell. Hi Daniel - You're right of course about Black Vinyl, but after a lot of prelimary discussion (I mean – more than a year of it) it became apparent that was the only way they were going to go with it, so in the end I agreed. Anyway - there have been plenty of positive reviews so they don't seem to have got it too wrong. And BBC 2 picked up 800,000 more viewers than it normally gets at that time on a Sunday. But I haven't seen it yet, my copies haven't arrived in Thailand. Re the other book – I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch – my friend Fenton Bailey from World of Wonder is keen to turn it into a sort of semi-doco-semi-fiction feature film – so who knows.

MONDAY OCTOBER 24 2005

From: Nick McGeachin, San Francisco, USA
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Dear Simon

I read "I'm Gonna Take You To Lunch" with deep fascination, for various reasons. Another top read! It strikes me that you and I may well have been in the same places at the same time, and dealt with the same people.

I first went to China in 1984 on a group mission sponsored by an American publishing company who were producing a Chinese language technical publication about the broadcast industry. At first, like you, I stayed at the Holiday Inn on the outskirts of Beijing, on the road in from the airport. Again, like you, as soon as the Great Wall Sheraton opened, that became my choice. I hated every minute of it - hated Beijing , and hated all of the obvious bribing that was going on. As with you, all lunch and dinner meetings with our Chinese 'partners' were at the restaurant on the top floor of the Great Wall Sheraton.

Then there's the glorious White Swan Hotel in Guangzhou. I got barred forever from the hotel for my sins, and the people from Germany and Hong Kong I was travelling with at the time all got unceremoniously escorted by police to the train station and put on the first train back to Hong Kong.

We'll need to talk so that I can fully explain what happened.

Love and respect
NICK MCGEACHIN

Hi Nick

It certainly seems we shared a great deal of experiences. That dreadful chilly Holiday Inn, and endless meals at the Great Wall Hotel in dreary, coprrupt Beijing. But it's a pity you screwed up at the White Swan. It was the one hotel in China worth being at.

Still - it's all changed now - especially Beijing. It's sparkling. And you can stay in any number of top hotels.

I might drop by San Francisco sometime before the end of the year and we can catch up.

Best regards
SIMON

SUNDAY OCTOBER 23 2005

From: Simon D, London, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi - This is a bit of a long shot, really.

I think you produced Keith Relf's single, Mr Zero. If so, have you got any recollection who might have been the guitarist on the record?

My original single of the record has been played to death, but Mr Zero is a bonus track on the Over Under Sideways Down CD. There's a rhythm guitar throughout the track, and this is joined by a background lead for the last verse. Whether this is double-tracked or a separate lead I couldn't say.

Regards
SIMON D

Hi Simon

It would have been Jimmy Page or Big Jim Sullivan, the only two people I used on my sessions in those days. I suspect I used both.

The musicians union rules in those days didn't allow overdubbing. And although groups like the Yadbirds could get away with it by going into the studio when there was no-one else around, Mr Zero was done with a full session band which was booked by Charlie Katz (Britain's top session booker for many years).

If there were to be two guitar parts, there would have to be two guitarists present - which means they would have been the two Jims - Sullivan and Page. And for sure, it would have been Big Jim playing the rhythm and Jimmy P playing the solo.

This seems to give you your answer, though I wouldn't swear an affidavit on it.

Cheers
SIMON

SATURDAY OCTOBER 22 2005

From: Gregory Gray, Herfordshire, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I just thought I'd forward the following URL: http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/10/07/opinion/edsmiers.php

It's an article from the Herald Tribune about copyright by two women from the Netherlands, a professor of political science and a 'policy adviser' and publicist. Amongst other things they say…

"Most artists have never made a penny from the copyright system."

“We must keep in mind that every artistic work - whether it is a soap opera, a composition by Luciano Berio, or a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger - derives the better part of its substance from the work of others, from the public domain.”

“A world without copyright would offer the guarantee of a good income to many artists, and would protect the public domain of knowledge and creativity.”

“We propose that the artist receive a one-year usufruct, or right to profit from the works.”

I have too much loyalty for the past to digest this idea easily.

Regards
GREGORY

Hi Gregory

The whole point of art is to take something that's in the public domain and re-interpret it in a way that is uniquely your own, and therefore copyrightable. It's absurd to say that ‘most artists have never made a penny from the copyright system'. Every book you see in a book shop - every record you see in a record shop - the writers, the singers, the songwriters and the record producers are all earning money from the copyright system.

There's a certain bitterness in what these two women have written. I suspect at some time in their lives they put together something they thought was a good creative idea and hoped to make some money from it. Then they found someone else had thought of it first, and copyrighted it. Now they're aggrieved. Either that or they belong to that chip-on-the-shoulder brigade who wear their skirts to their ankles, eat vegan food, breast feed their babies in public and shout angrily from the pavement outside G7 meetings.

Cheers
SIMON

FRIDAY OCTOBER 21 2005

From: Space Kat, Twickenham, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hello Simon

I have just got home from a four day Sacred Sex workshop in Glastonbury. The food and the hot tubs were lovely. Hope you and Yo are well.

Lots of love
KATE xxxxx

Hi Kate

You were always the most adventurous member of the family. Tell me! What goes on at a four day sacred sex workshop? Are you sworn to secrecy? What was in the hot tubs apart from you and water? There's got to be some good detail in there.

Would it make interesting reading on the website?

Love
SIMON xxx

THURSDAY OCTOBER 20 2005

From: Chris Salmon, London, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hello Simon

I've just finished reading I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch and there's a few questions I want to ask.

1. Did Queen ever found out that you'd done the dirty on them and shown the Chinese authorities material which suggested they were gay?

2. Did Wham! know you'd done that?

3. Do you think the Chinese authorities knew you were gay? (You say in Chapter 27 that they had a folder of personal information about you).

4. Do you really think it would have mattered if they'd known George Michael was gay? Would Wham! not have been allowed in?

Regards
CHRIS

Hi Chris

1. I never talked to Queen about what I did. It's possible they knew because the Japanese guy who was trying to get them set up with a concert knew. Anyway, I never suggested they were gay, nor that there was anything wrong about it if they were, I simply pointed out to the Chinese authorities that in the English language the word Queen had more than one meaning.

2. I never once talked to Wham! about how I'd managed to get them into China . Despite George's insistence that he was the ultimate decision maker as to what they did and didn't do, he had very little idea of all the work that was done behind the scenes on his behalf.

3. Whether or not the Chinese authorities knew I was gay is an interesting question. They certainly had a folder on me with personal information but perhaps they never connected sharing a house with two other guys to anything they would think improper.

4. I'm sure, if someone had told them that George was gay, and made a point of explaining what they meant by it, Wham! would not have invited to play there, but I'm not sure at that time if George himself knew. Also, you must remember, the Chinese government were very head-in-the-sand about homosexuality. When I asked them what their policy was towards it they said they didn't need to have a policy because in China there was none.

Cheers
SIMON

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 19 2005

From: Dave Romfitt, Isle of Wight, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

Couldn't help noticing that the orgy picture that's been up on your website suddenly got changed to exclude all sight of dicks and spurting sperm. What's that all about?

Yours
DAVE

Hi Dave

Everytime I looked at the picture I disliked it more. Even though it's just a silly drawing I just hated the sight of those dumb macho guys flinging their dicks around as if they were Rambo machine guns, spraying ten gallons of sperm at a time. So I decided to obliterate them. If only it was so easy in real life.

Cheers
SIMON

TUESDAY OCTOBER 18 2005

From: Gerard Meroux, Hull , Quebec , Canada
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

We worked together in Canada in 1962 - you were the trumpet player in a band at the Blue Sky café in Montreal - I was the bass player.

We used to play three shows a night for strippers and in between played four or five sets of jazz - the customer were mostly sailors - we had a black pianist in the band called Leroy who was a blind genius - he told us he'd been with Ray Charles at the same blind school in Chicago - you and I and the other guys in the band gave him a terrible time - used to introduce him to dreadful hookers and tell him they were the best-looking girl in the joint – we'd make him pay twenty bucks but gave the girl just five and keep the change to go boozing - once we went swimming with him in the lake and he pissed us off so when he was getting tired we pointed him to the centre of the lake and told him to swim in that direction - we were so shit.

These days I work as a part-time gardener - I'm 62 now - I quit music thirty years ago and spent most of the time since doing charity work with disabled people in Ottawa .

Even if you don't remember me the point of this letter is to tell you I came across your website.

GERARD

Hi Gerard

I got your email. I remember Leroy the pianist. And the strippers, especially the one who shoved a hatpin through her boobs as a finale but came to work dressed as a man.

Nice of you to write. I hope things go OK for you.

Cheers
SIMON

MONDAY OCTOBER 17 2005

From: Paul Rymer, www.nightporter.co.uk
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I did get to meet Ryuichi Sakamoto at his concert in London this week. The best photo of this historic moment (for me, anyway) is now in the news section at www.nightporter.co.uk Sadly, in the other shots Ryuichi looks scared while I look scary.

Mr Sakamoto was very friendly and he made this longtime admirer very happy indeed. The show was good too. The beats in one number (similar to Riot In Lagos) were so incredibly deep that the sonic vibrations were making my trousers tickle the hairs on my legs.

I can honestly say that has never happened to me at a concert before.

ttfn
PAUL

Really Paul…
You're too old for this sort of fan worship.

As for the hairs tickling on your legs… The only thing that can do that for me is a young man's hand placed at the right moment on my knee or my thigh. Perhaps Ryuichi has finally perfected the art of sexual arousal through music. Or was it the Barbican's notorious ventilation system. It sometimes gets awfully drafty in there.

Best regards
SIMON

SUNDAY OCTOBER 16 2005

From: Bobbi Marchini, Zakynthos, Greece
To: Simon Napier-Bell

My dear Simon..

I have a gig in Belgium on Nov 19, http://www.brbc.be/calendar.html After that I'm off to Belfast for a few days... have a friend there who has just sold her ‘Listed' house. I write that with the Capital it deserves as she has ‘Tat' that needs careful documentation etc and needs a hand.

After that? Poof!!!!!..who knows? Probably Australia for a bit where I want to buy an apartment for my dotage and MUST finish a CD that's been in the mill forever.....

Speaking of singers. There is an English language radio station here now that is flogging Candi Stanton and I have been listening with great care. She has a wonderful voice. It is warm and full of great phrasing and (presumptuous of me) humour. Why have I only just discovered her? I saw on your post that you have a connection...lucky you.

Re Post... I wake up at 6.30 and read the papers and your site sets me up for the day. Love it. Addict!

But one thing puzzles me from last week's emails - your horoscope (Taurus). Tell me you don't believe that some inert gasses and ancient rocks whizzing about over our heads REALLY have any influence on what will happen in our lives, or who we are. I read mine every morning http://www.cainer.com/ but only because he is so UP - no tall dark strangers etc - which wouldn't be bad at the mo. Even short bald ones at a stretch!

Keep well and lotsaluv
BOBBI

Hi Bobbi

Re Candi Staton. Yes, she's truly wonderful. I managed her for five years, until last year actually. But me being most of the time in Thailand, and her being most of the time in Amercia, it wasn't really practical. The amazing thing is – she spends ninety per cent of her time singing gospel music in churches, and is truly serious about religion, yet we still managed to get along.

Re horoscopes and stars. Maybe gases and rocks influence things somewhat, but I don't believe any of the columnists who interpret them. Besides, I'm sure your interest in them is directly related to the dullness of your end of season life in Zakynthos. I mean – let's be honest! Which would have more influence on your life next week - learning that Venus was in conflict with Mars, or hearing that I was arriving at Zakynthos airport with two cases of champagne?

You see – stuff the planets! You and I (and everyone else) are way more important.

Love
SIMON

SATURDAY OCTOBER 15 2005

From: Jeff Simpson, Manchester, England
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

Some fairly dramatic developments at this end re our 4-part documentary (Black Vinyl White Powder). BBC-2 have decided to bring our transmission way forward - the obviously had a hole in the schedule - so we're now going out from October 23rd onwards, i.e. a week on Sunday.

This is a bit of a blow. We had lots of press ideas lined up, and were planning a big campaign of articles and features in the magazines and Sundays to get a debate going about the ideas in our series. They've literally slipped us in at the last possible moment before the schedule is confirmed, so we're now expecting only minimal pre-publicity. The other slightly annoying thing is that we're going to be directly up against Channel 4's UK Music Hall of Fame - which is a terrible show, but will inevitably draw some music fans.

Meanwhile, I press on with my 'Queens of Disco' - I have to interview Grace Jones soon - help !

All the best
JEFF

Hi Jeff

It sounds just like being signed to a record company. When everything is all perfectly set up to release a record, all the press, all the shop windows and the ads, they suddenly shift the date and screw it all up. Every time!!

Never mind. Let's hope quality wins through. I hope your divas are giving you a good time.

All the best
SIMON

FRIDAY OCTOBER 14 2005

From: Simon White, London, England
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Simon

I've got a copy of an article in the Guardian yesterday by George Monbiot saying --- 'the evidence is clear that murder, verereal disease and marital breakdown are all more common in religious cultures'. Thought it might ring a bell with you.

Hope all's well
SIMON

Hi Simon

I already read the George Monbiot piece. I'm always seeing figures like that. For instance, that the lowest prison population by percentage in the US is people who call themselves atheists. I don't think being an atheist keeps you out of prison, but knowing that life is your own responsibility might help. And thinking clearly, too.

It's good to see more people coming out so convincingly against that Nazi trained psycho-thug whom 30% of the world's population now revere as its pope. Monbiot is so right when he says, "A 14th-century pope with a 21st-century communications network sustains his church's mission of persecuting gays and denying women ownership of their bodies."

I'm sure EU law would prevent the pope issuing many of his statements if he were to make them just three hundred yards to his left or right, from Rome rather than his hate-palace in the Vatican.

Cheers
SIMON

THURSDAY OCTOBER 13 2005

From: Larry Ashmore, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

So, are you going to include Sophy in your birthday list or not ?!! I hope so.

Do you remember taking us for lunch at The Caprice to celebrate her 21st birthday when she started her meal with half a dozen oysters and then exclaimed, "Oo, they were lovely, CAN I HAVE ANOTHER ONE ?" In the words of my sainted (and permanently embarrassed) grandmother, I could have sunk through the floor." You took her at her word, though, and re-ordered. How cool was that?

As for Taurean's characteristics you will already know that they love 'charging' their friends with their knowledge about everything. As for Mozart, just stick to me; its too late for him.

L.

Of course Sophy goes on the birthday list, in fact, as I explained, she was already on it except I couldn't read the squiggle.

I only half remember the oyster incident on her 21st. Being a glutton myself I don't suppose I thought it strange that she wanted more. Besides, with oysters being an aphrodisiac, I probably thought she was stoking up, ready for her chap later in the day.

As for sticking with you in preference to Mozart, I've done it for long enough, as have most of the world's top film directors, so why stop now?

Manly kisses (if there is such a thing)
SIMON xx

WEDNESDAY 12 OCTOBER 2005

From: Larry Ashmore, London, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear S

You're mistaken. It is daughter Sophy who has the birthday on 27th October; Suzy's birthday was back on June 13 th . She is a typical Gemini (aren't you one too?) being bright and quick thinking, mercurial and lacking in depth. Also, two-faced. I am only relaying what I read in Astrological reference books. Fortunately these shallow and confused people have a special affinity with Aquarians, a stalwart sign typified by such people as FD Roosevelt and Mozart (particularly happy about Wolfgang Amadeus ) which explains why I love her and other Geminians to pieces.

When you come over next we will take up with each other over a glass or two and a bite of food. Please let us know.

Love and hugs
L&S xx

Dear Larry

You're right, of course. It was my awful handwriting. When I investigated the entry in my diary I found the squiggle which followed the ‘S' before the ‘Ashmore' was much more of a Sophy squiggle than a Suzy one. I'd simply read it wrong. In fact, Suzy's birthday was already in my list at the appropriate date, though yours wasn't. Give me the correct date and greetings will materialise when the day comes round (or if you prefer I'll send them on Mozart's birthday – Jan 27th).

Incidentally, while I'm happy to accept all the good qualities you suggested, I feel justified in objecting to the less good ones since I'm not Gemini at all, but Taurus. I suppose you'll now send me a list of dreadful Taurean faults, but there's no need. I know them all already.

As for you, I checked Aquarius characteristics hoping to find something quite awful to confront you with but the worst thing I could find was, ‘creative to the point of being loony', which sounds pretty cool.

All sorts of love to you and Suzy (And from Yo too)
SIMON xx

TUESDAY OCTOBER 11 2005

From: Gregory Gray, Hertford, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

Your current reverie is an inspired one.

The thing i find sexy about jazz is, it's the sound of men who cannot be bought. You have to accept jazz and the men who play it on their own terms. Unlike popstars, these men will not beg you to love them.

I love the sound of jazz coming through walls of the next room. It makes me imagine a lazy player lying on his unmade bed... smoking good weed... wearing one of those wife-beater vests... salty armpits… listening to Charlie Parker or some wild Ornette Coleman.

When i think of a man like that, i could willingly drink his bathwater.

GREGORY

MONDAY OCTOBER 10 2005

From: Erica Blume, London, Ontario
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

I think you were tough on the girl who wanted to phone and interview you, and Lord knows what the poor guy who met you in the lounge at London Airport said to make you so rancid. Then there was the poor boy playing Christian rock, and the man who wanted your support for American Atheists - you hadn't a good word for either of them. And what about the poor Irishman you proposed get a job shovelling shit? It makes me quite nervous to write to you.

But what I want to say is… I enjoy your insults enormously, so keep them coming, even if this letter puts me in the firing line.

Best
ERICA

Hi Erica

Nothing you wrote seems worthy of an insult. But please realise, in the same way that users of child pornography are to blame for it being created in the first place, it's people like you taking delight in my rude letters that gives me the stimulus to write them.

If you happen to fall foul of one you'll have only yourself to blame.

Best regards
SIMON

SUNDAY OCTOBER 9 2005

From: Paul Rymer, www.nightporter.co.uk
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

This week's article made me realise something. Not sure what it means exactly, probably something to do with the nature of my inner being, which is probably best left alone.

Anyway, I realised that I don't fancy ANY of the musicians/artists that I like. Admittedly, they are a pretty odd bunch but none have three heads or anything. I thought as a pop fan you were supposed to fancy the bands you like - at least that's what everyone says. I do find some groups attractive, but I wouldn't pay money to listen to their music when all I need is to look at the pictures. But that's way more than you need to know right now.

I suppose that's what makes an artist survive the initial pop thrill (the CDUK and Heat Magazine every week stage) - the ability to sell records without the need to be in any way attractive to anyone.

Anyway, best wishes and if you do publish this one, at least Mr Sakamoto will know he need not be frightened I might make a pass at him if we come face to face at the Barbican on Monday.

ttfn
PAUL

SATURDAY OCTOBER 8 2005

From: Lucy Tigerton, Boston, Mass
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

As part of a higher education course I am doing a thesis on music business management. I had already decided to focus on British managers when, in researching them, I hit on your website. I have now read every word of it and bought and read all three of your books. I feel you are probably the best equipped person to fill in the missing links in my research about the operating mechanisms of the British music industry. I have a particular fascination in the balance between artistic integrity and financial self-interest, both from the point of view of the artist and the corporate body.

Is it possible I could do a phone interview with you?

LUCY TIGERTON

I'll be quite honest - speaking to you on the phone might be boring for me and disappointing for you. In general I make a rule never to do it, though I admit, occasionally, when it's a young guy who's asking me, and he sounds cute, I succumb to it.

Tough on you! Nothing you've written makes you sound like a young guy, nor even cute. So why don't you write down the questions you want to ask and email them to me. If there's no more than ten, I'll type in quick answers and get them back to you.

Cheers
SIMON

FRIDAY OCTOBER 7 2005

From: Norman Jepson, Exeter, Devon
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Dear Mr Napier-Bell

You may remember we met last Tuesday at London airport in the Gulf Air lounge. We talked about the Conservative leadership contest and you gave me your card. Since then I have visited your website and discovered you are a rock manager.

My son is in a rock band and it worries me. I feel it's destroying his chances in life. I have told him I met you and suggested he send a demo to you. What I would really appreciate, and I hope you don't mind, is for you to respond in a way that opens his eyes to the downsides of the music industry and helps guide him away from the idea of being a musician.

I hope this isn't too much of an intrusion. (And I hope you will keep this email to yourself.)

Sincerely
NORMAN JEPSON

Hi Norman

Seems you're pretty darned good at intruding, and certainly no good at keeping yourself to yourself. I've already been sufficiently polite, listening to your boring conversation in the lounge. I don't remember ‘us' talking about politics - just you - sounding off like a prize pedant.

As for your son. Poor bastard!

SIMON

THURSDAY OCTOBER 6 2005

From: Ian Burrell, Media, The Independent, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

The piece is very nicely written indeed. It would be good to have a quick phone
chat just to discuss how we could set the piece up in a stand-first. It's
very readable but I think it just needs to have a clear theme, such as, for example…

"In the days where celebrity magazines will go to any lengths to publish
pictures which ridicule music stars, is there anything a PR can do to
protect the image of a famous client? Simon Napier Bell gives a masterclass
in rock and roll news management"

Many thanks for the piece. We'll run it on the 17th .

IAN

Hi Ian

Pleased you like the piece. Your suggestion for the ‘stand-first' line seems fine. I look forward to seeing it in print.

Best regards

SIMON

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 5 2005

From: Jeff Kent, Atlantic City, USA
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hi simon

we are a young group playing fantastic straight ahead christian rock… something like british 70s acts sweet or t rex… driving… with great hooks… four guys… all great looking… all prepared to do anything to succeed… with an attitude that could change the world… how would you feel about taking us on for management??

JEFFREY KENT

Jeff – you dumb wanker

Can't you read? Look at my website...

If you're playing Christian rock you probably need psychiatric help. If you're really prepared to do anything to succeed, get into drugs and sex like any self-respecting rock group and tell God to sod-off.

SIMON

TUESDAY OCTOBER 4 2005

From: Jon Lindsay, Sydney, Australia
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

Firstly... you must tell Donavon that hair has to go! Though actually I was surprised… Donavon looked very young in that pic (what is he 40?) so those Swedish masseuses are doing a good job. If you talk to him ask him if he knows what happened to Brian Hathaway our East End friend who worked on movies.

I received a cryptic phone message wanting all my contact details with no return number but a promise to phone me again in a week or so about the Kit Lambert material. The caller said he was from Spitfire Pictures and working on a film about The Who being made by Roger Daltrey. I've since read that Mike Myers is playing Keith Moon. Maybe there's a chance for a starring part for Kit yet again. Then again perhaps they wouldn't want their old manager to look more outrageous than Keith Moon.

Of the material I had, I suppose the best stuff ended up in Andrew Motions book. Morton was the Diana bloke, and you know I sued him and we settled! Only for a small amount as he got the material from the Daily Star and the poor guy was mortified he was going to be accused of being a plagiarist but as he's now Poet Laureate I thought that rather fun.

That model search show is still apparently on the move but the Nine network is giving the yes or no go  within 2 weeks so I'll keep you posted.

More soon
JON

Hi Jon

You know Donavon is beyond redemption. Nevertheless, he's now living with his girlfriend in Sweden, has a baby boy with another baby on the way. As for being 40 now, he's already quite a bit passed that, but as you can see he still looks brilliant.

It would be nice to see you in Pattaya sometime. I hope the knees are improving. And re the model show - it would be great fun, so please let me know if it shows signs of happening.

All the best
SIMON

SUNDAY OCTOBER 2 2005

From: Mike Burrell, Vancouver, Canada
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hi simon

i've been following your website and want to know more about the guy in brothermandude, hassan al khalifa… what does he sing like?? when do we get to hear him?? boxers or briefs?? who should be chasing him, me or my sister??

MIKE

Hi Mike

Hassan's voice is pretty unique – sort of Jimi Hendryx mixed with Bob Dylan and all sorts of other overtones from black and rock music. The album will be released in the USA around Easter next year.

As to who should be chasing him - your sister sounds like the one. And re Hassan's undies – I've not yet seen him trouserless. I'll ask and let you know.

SIMON

SATURDAY OCTOBER 1 2005

From: Stephen Aristei, The Rights Company, LA
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear Simon,

One might think that I am your biggest fan... (I bet you hear that all the time...but I couldn't resist)! I just finnished "Lunch"....But I have already read "You Don't Have To...." and "Black Vinyl". And I must say I notice the improvement in both technique and delivery...I am eagerly awaiting your next instalment.

Thank you for your address.... To day I am negotiating a "release" from a label for my Latin rap group - Los Petroleros - will be re-recording three of the album's (CD's) tracks and submitting the masters to Sony, BMG, Univision and Warner Bros.... And I will be sending you a copy of the Booya Tribe's CD/DVD (the Samoans)! When you see the DVD, you will be surprised to see that you have most likely seen all of them before, as they are security guards for Janet Jackson and Eminem and are often in their videos.

RE: Brothermandude, I would love to send you a song for them - how best would you describe their musical direction?

By the way, I love your website....you are always an innovator. Stay well

Best
STEPHEN ARISTEI

Hi Stephen

Too much flattery these days – I can't take any more. But down to serious matters…

Brothermandude will be recording only their own songs. You can imagine, a guy like Hassan, from a Gulf Arab background making an album for an America has plenty to say. And all rock groups are best off saying there own thing.

Of course, the way to get the publishing on one of their songs would be to sign them to a deal - starting offers over a million, please.

Re your Samoan bodyguards. I seem to remember one of them being a bit brusque with me when Eminem turned up at Def Jam for a meeting once and I was standing in his way in the lobby. I hope they didn't beat up too many fans, it wouldn't bode well for sales. Anyway – I'm really looking forward to hearing them. Rush them over.

All the best
SIMON

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 30 2005

From: Mary Cigarettes, Hertfordshire, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I just have to say how addicted I've become to reading your daily posts. My favourite ones are from nasty people or ones who have their ambitions mixed up with their capabilities. They are fools setting themselves up to be shot down in the most delicious fashion. You have great brevity and humour. Why, I even fear writing to you myself, and I think you're a fantastic man. But the interesting thing is you also have true grace...you exude complete fair mindedness in all your replies. You're a testament to how people can gain edge with age, rather than the usual thing of loosing it.

Thanks for turning me on to "Hear me talkin' to ya". It's truly nourishing my interest in jazz and giving me a greater sense of location for that music. On my holiday I was reading it a lot on one of those funky big mattresses they have by the poolside at the Mondrian. The Asia de Cuba in that hotel was a real treat. It made me think of you. I know you like that kind of food a lot.

Can't wait to hear Brothermandude when it comes out. For some odd reason I'm getting a big Free/Paul Rodgers vibe from what I've read. We love funky strutting rock guitars… it makes us want to get up do things.

GREGORY

Hi Gregory

Good to hear from you again, and thanks for all the compliments, a bit over-flattering I think. I'm delighted you're enjoying ‘Hear Me Talkin' To Ya”. It really is the greatest book ever on jazz and meshes the learning and the listening together so well – the learning making the listening more enjoyable, and vice versa.

As for my tart reply to people's emails, surprisingly they never seem to come back to me and complain, except for yesterday - I had my first complaint since April - a request from the sender to have him taken off the site. I always oblige and his name has now vanished.

Re Brothermandude. They are steaming! Recording starts next week and we're already working on booking their first US tour for next spring. I don't know about Free, though, it's more Hendryx, but certainly strutting guitars.

All the best
SIMON

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 29 2005

From: Name witheld by request, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

I'm a writer. I've written a few articles that you may know a place for. One of the articles is a gonzo journalist style account of an evening of taking katamine at an outdoor rave. The other is a kind of musing on the phenomena of Fuck Buddy websites. Looking at your website, it occurred to me you might know magazines that would be interested in publishing them.

Look forward to hearing from you
NAME WITHELD BY REQUEST

Hi Name Witheld by Request

I'm surprised you think I might have an undiscovered talent as a literary agent for provincial journalists. I don't.

If you simply can't control the urge to write articles no-one really wants to read, I suggest you start your own website and post them there. It's worked quite well for me.

Cheers
SIMON

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 28 2005

From: Lucy Demoz, Sao Paolo, Brazil
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hello Simon

I discovered your website and became rather fascinated with the picture it paints of you – gay, impatient, provocative, Godless, hyper, lazy, pleasure-seeking, fat.

Are you aware of how you come across? Would you say it was accurate? Are you happy with it?

LUCY DEMOZ

Hi Lucy

It's not for me to be self-congratulatory, but you make me sound like quite an appealing chap - just the sort of person I'd like to meet.

As for you, would I be right in thinking you are overbearing, interfering, unbearably talkative and rather visually blemished?

(Please do NOT interpret this as an invitation to send me a photo.)

Sincerely
SIMON

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 27 2005

From: Stephen Aristei, The Rights Company, LA
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear Simon,

I just finished your last book....very very entertaining.....And I look forward to the next instalment ! Hope it is going well ! ! !

The other night I found your "site" and was impressed. I would be very interested in hearing your new act..... What can I say? It's the publisher part of me, always looking for that next hit act!

Also, I would love to send you a cd of one of the acts I'm working on - Booya Tribe (six scarey 200 lb Samoan rappers).

Hope all is well.

Later
STEPHEN ARISTEI

Hi Stephen

The new act is Brothermandude – and they're going great. But you're not going to be able to hear anything for a while. Currently they're in London doing final rehearsals before starting their first album with producers Mark Wallis and Dave Ruffy (U2, Stranglers, Travis, and many others).

The schedule is to have the album finished round Dec 1st , the first video shot by end of January, and the first US tour, to coincide with the album release, around March, April, May 2006. I'll be playing people finished tracks from just before Christmas. So you'll have to hold on till then.

Meanwhile - I'd love to hear your group of rapping, 200lb Samoans. Sounds like they could be substantial.

Best regards
SIMON

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 26 2005

From: Steven D. Roche, Terre Haute, Indiana
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi there Simon

I have come several times to your website and enjoyed the eclectic mix of views imbued in your personality. But with regret I notice your rejection of religion is woesomely undirected. Have you ever thought of joining the American Atheist society (www.americanatheist.org). We work together for a better world - free from the fetters of organised religion. Please check out our website. Your voice in support of us would be appreciated.

Yours truly
STEVEN D. ROCHE

Hi Steven

That there is no omnipotent God should be the sane conclusion of anyone with a properly functioning brain. But to come together in an organisation to celebrate the fact seems distinctly quirky, to say the least. I've seen your website. It simply treats atheism as a religion, in fact I've rarely seen a website more zealous or vigorous in spreading its beliefs. It's pure evangelism. Most unpleasant indeed.

The problem is, you've managed to reach the right conclusion about God – that there isn't one – but not about life itself – that it would be a lot more pleasant without evangelising Americans sticking their noses into everyone else's business.

Yours
SIMON

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 25 2005

From: Lucy Zelnyk, Isle of Man
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear Simon

I am a retired school-teacher and a keen student of the absurd. Recently, I read on a website that a man in California has invented a machine that can read dreams. He doesn't claim that the machine can interpret a dream's meaning but that it can detect a dream's imagery. The machine, he claims, has the ability to analyse electrical pulses created in the brain during dreaming and by comparative analysis turn them into the same visual images on a heat-searching screen as are being seen in the mind's eye. Apparently the Vatican is interested in buying some so that applicants to the priesthood can be wired as they sleep until such time as they have a wet dream. The images thus created will be studied and interpreted – gay or straight?

Outrageous, isn't it?

LUCY ZELNYK

Hi Lucy

Creepy little machine, eh!!

Perhaps, at last, it could give us the definitive answer on Cliff Richard!

SIMON

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 24 2005

From: John Bryan, Oxford, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

Have just made a very overdue visit to your website, and am still chuckling at the Mme Pelletier story (which you wrote at the time I left for the UK). I also very much enjoyed the Alec/wine and the religion/homophobe, articles, and especially your poetic comparison of your first meeting with Yo with the abominable executions in Iran. I really can't understand how you didn't feel the need to mention that you met me at much the same time!!!!

Lv
JOHN

Hi John

Sorry I forgot to mention that I met you the very same day as I met Yo. You must admit, though, it wouldn't have added greatly to the piece I was writing. However, next time I find myself writing a story about two teenage boys who meet misfortune, I shall try and work you into it, though of course with the greatest propriety.

Anyway - glad to hear you've been enjoying the website. Next week, when we're both back in Thailand, let's enjoy dinner together.

Lv
SIMON

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 24 2005

From: Bobby Conway, UK
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hi simon - im a massive marc bolan fan and am putting together a fans tribute collection for marc. just fans memories, marc stories, or for younger fans like me just what marcs music means to us. i was hoping you may e mail me maybe a few words to add as a treat for the fans. im telling all my bolan friends that just fans will be in the collection but would love to have a few of marcs friends and collegues involved as a bonus for them. im doing this for Marc as whenever ive had hard times in my life his music has always pulled me thru and because of marc ive met some of the best friends you could wish to have. also all proceeds are going to a charity for deaf children which is a cause close to my heart as my 9 yr old brother is deaf

hope u can help. thanks simon

BOBBY CONWAY

Hi Bobby

I've written all this before in my various books, but Marc was one of the most different and fascinating people I've ever met. He was a true artist, absolutely brilliant, both with words and poetic imagery. And he was equally brilliant at creating his own publicity and public image, yet he had no ego about what he created.

It was as if the part of his mind from which his creativity came was separate from the part of his mind that was the everyday Marc Bolan. As a result he could write a new poem or song and be as surprised and delighted at it as if it wasn't really his but something he'd found lying around. It was his most charming trait. He could play me a new song with total wonder, as if he had no idea how it had come to him.

He also had that quick beguiling wit with which he could tease journalists into writing almost anything he wanted them to. So, for a manager, he was just perfect - doing everything that was needed of an artist. But of course he could be tremendously difficult too - full of sudden self-doubt like all artists.

Still, he stands out as one of the most pleasant, amusing and talented people I've ever met.

SIMON

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 22 2005

From: Buick Mukane, myspace.com/kenalverson
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Dear Mr. Napier-Bell

My name is Kenneth Alverson-I am a singer,songwriter,guitar player and all around rock&roll hero....I am inquiring several mangers about my career and your name kept cropping up on my search so I thought I'd write and see what happens even thoug you may no longer be in the management game.....I'm after serious manager who are interested in new talent or in my case great talent....As for musical influences,I think my screen name gives that hint...Marc Bolan.....In additon here's some more info about myself...

Born with lightning in my hand and a guitar in the other,I hope to someday return real rock&roll back to the top of the heap where it belongs.I'm sick of all these rappers and boy bands and this sissifed version of rock music.I've been playing guitar since I was seventeen.I don't drink,smoke or do drugs of any kind.It just gets in the way of my Strat guitar which is more important and also a very jealous creature which is why I'm still single with no girlfriend.But then again the Virgin Mary wouldn't be good enough for my Strat.So the way to my heart is through my guitar and being honest about who and what you are.Poseurs need not apply.

Now yes I'm sure there are better singers and guitar players out there...BUT THEY AREN'T ME...Yes I am that unique....As an artist with what I want to do...No one will be able to touch me....I just need that Great Enabler like myself to make it happen....Anyway,You can find my music on my page at http://www.myspace.com/kenalverson

All I ask is that you at least listen before you say no...You can also download the songs as well....

Anyway, thank you for reading my email and hope you sincerely consider working with me as I believe that real rock&roll is just waiting to come back and reclaim it's place as the world's greatest music....

Sincerely
KENETH ALVERSON

Hi Ken

You sound just the sort of person an artist needs to be in order to find success – self-obsessed, delusional and passionate – seeing yourself as a generational hero, as a one man religion, with you as both God and prophet.

Regarding your music, however, you say ‘there are better singers and guitar players out there'. This is a severe chink in your self-obsessed armour. My advice would be to take a year's break from your search for management in order to brush-up on these two fundamental necessities of musical stardom.

With your self-belief extended to include musical ability as well as self-advertiement, you might have a chance.

As for no drink or drugs, it makes you sound a little boring, as if you might be quite a pain-in-the-arse to deal with. Perhaps you should re-think this part of your strategy.

Best regards
SIMON

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 21 2005

From: Cheryl Stonehouse, Daily Express, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear Simon

John Stephen, the man who started Carnaby Street, is getting a plaque at the top of the street at the beginning of October, and I've been asked to put together a double-page spread feature - less about his business success and more about the man himself, if possible. My features editor read your book while he was on holiday this summer and thinks you may well have known John, although whether he was a real friend or merely someone moving on the same scene isn't quite clear.

Are you in Thailand at the moment? Even if you are, would you consider having a chat with me about this? In return, I will do all I can to get you a plaque when you finally turn up your toes.

Have been desperately trying to work out where your plaque would be. This has sparked a new and fascinating parlour game in the features department here. Mine would be on the fridge (any fridge). The features editor is still thinking about his

I hope to hear from you. With very best wishes

CHERYL

Hi Cheryl

Currently I'm in the lounge at Bahrain airport waiting for my flight to London . I shall be there tomorrow and for another ten days. So yes, it should be easy enough to chat.

You're right, I never knew John Stevens as a friend, but of course everyone 'on the scene' knew each other in some way or another. Why not give me a call Wednesday morning.

And re the plaque - apart from the various places that I lived it might be near the front door of any one of various restaurants, though I suppose the food department at Harrods might do too!

All the best
SIMON

From: Bobbi Marcini, Zakynthos, Greece
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Dear Simon

I have some questions about yesterday's Daily Post, although its very early in the morning here ...

Did you clean under the fingernail first? Was only thinking of the task undertaken when the digit was lost.

Another thing..how could you eat something that had been in that heat for 3 days enclosed in a matchbox? Digitally enhanced indeed!!

Love
BOBBI

Hi Bobbi

It was thirty years ago. As I remember, it sat amongst the charcoal for a long time - until it was a tiny little burned thing. But still... you've got to experience everything, haven't you? It was more like a 'dare' really. I don't know where the nail went - maybe melted in the heat.

I knew a Norwegian man who did the same with his leg which came off in a road accident. The hospital kept it on ice, hoping to re-attach it, but they couldn't it. So he cut a bit off and had it as a steak. On that occasion I wasn't offered any.

Hope you're well.

Love
SIMON xxx

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 20 2005

From: Terry Mickler, Perth, Australia
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hi simon

a few weeks ago i saw in your email column that you were going to start a top 50 restaurants section to your website... whens it coming???

and another question… with all the travel and strange things youve done in your life… whats the strangest thing youve ever eaten???

regards
TERRY

Hi Terry

Sorry about the delay in the restaurant page. It turned out to be more work than I thought. It will be up and running in a two or three weeks.

As for the strangest thing I've ever eaten…

In the course of being banqueted all over the place, especially in China , many strange things have had to be gulped down with a forced smile – crane's feet, sea slugs, turtle's heads – all that sort of thing. Bull's penis in Taiwan, bull's testicles in Spain. And nowadays living in Thailand I'm always being pushed to eat fried insects of various sorts, from locusts to dung beetles. But there was something else.

I was travelling in India with Harry Turcotte, an intrepid New Zealander who'd persuaded me to go with him in a Land Rover to a remote part of the mountains near Kashmir. We stopped for a pee in the middle of nowhere and Harry managed to slam the door shut on his finger, taking the top of it clean off. Rather than panic, he screamed a few fiery words then wrapped some string tightly round the end of his finger to stop it bleeding. The bit that came off was about half an inch long and he picked it up and put it in a matchbox. He barely mentioned it again although he admitted there was a fair bit of throbbing.

Three days days later, back in Delhi, we were passing a kebab stall when Harry suggested we partake of an experience that wouldn't crop up too often in life. He got out the matchbox, removed the piece of finger and asked the stall-holder's permission to pop it on the charcoal for a minute or two. We divided the tiny quantity of grilled flesh, sprinkled it with salt and ordered a couple of Kingfisher beers to help it down. So....

The strangest thing I've ever eaten? A bit of Harry Turcotte's finger.

Cheers
SIMON

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 18 2005

From: Francis Connor, Satahip, Thailand
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Lieblink

I have only just read your piece about managing Japan. I had always thought that was the role of the Japanese prime minister, currently my good friend Jun-chan, as Koizumi-san is known to his intimates.

Many years ago he was a junior member of a delegation of Japanese MPs invited by the Conservative government to attend their annual party conference in Blackpool. I was still at that time employed by Her Britannic Majesty's Embassy in Tokyo and since I was to be in England at the same time as the delegation I offered my interpreting skills. The hotels in Blackpool were full so they stayed in Southport, where my brother used to manage a pub mit restaurant. So it was that we went there for dinner.

Deeply in his cups, the delegation leader, a venerable politician of the governing party, asked me what the English was for the Japanese word "sukebe". I told him whereupon, at the top of his voice, he shouted "I am randy"!

A lady at the adjoining table struck up a conversation with him and (since this was in the days when Japanese men still used fans) the politician wrote her a haiku on his fan, something to the effect that ‘the zephyr of spring' breathed only for her.

The following day she delivered a typically British tea pot to his hotel thereby making a serious contribution to the betterment of Anglo-Japanese relations.

Subsequently I remained in intermittent contact with Jun-chan and shortly before I retired from Japan to this corner of paradise I called upon him and said that I prayed for his future success. This is not to say that I had anything to do with his latter elevation to PM of Japan .

Demain I am off to Luang Prabang and will be in touch thereafter about another nose bag session.

Toodlepip
FRANCIS

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 17 2005

From: Harold Ackroyd, Chichester, England
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Good morning Mr. Napier-Bell

I came to your website by chance. I did not stay long yet I noted two things, one of which was that you are supposed to be a writer. The other was an appalling sentence in an email written by you to a Mr. Timothy Gee. It is not for me to comment on the febrile nature of your humour, but I took great exception to the terrible grammatical construction. You wrote – “I'd be so much nicer, and I'll give you a discount.”

Surely Mr. Napier-Bell, as a writer, you are able to see at once that if the first verb is in the conditional tense, then the second verb must be too. Otherwise it is so very ugly.

Sincerely
HAROLD ACKROYD

Hi Hal

What an old stickle-pickle you are! Let me explain. I see emails as dialogue not literature. The sentence in question is written with ‘progressive tensing'. That is to say, in conversation, even as we speak we change our perspective on things. In the first phrase I use the conditional – “I would”, or “I'd” – because the thought has just come into my mind. By the time I arrive at the next phrase, the thought has taken root. In that brief moment between phrases, I've already decided this thing is really going to happen. So I say the next phrase not in the conditional, but in the future, as an actuality – “I will” or “I'll”.

I call this "progressive tensing" but it's also known as “fuck the grammar, say what you feel".

Thank-you so much for your interest.
SIMON

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 16 2005

From: Timothy Gee, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hello Simon!

Have you seen the article in to-day's 'New York Times' about the Vatican sending teams to interrogate the students and staff in American seminaries about whether or nor they are gay? This is a new inquisition. And yes, this is one for your web site.

TIM

Hi Tim

We've already had this discussion. You know my opinion – the less priests the better. As for the Catholic Church starting a new inquisition – well, what do you expect of it? I already pointed out, when commenting on the execution of two teenage boys in Iran for having a sexual relationship, the Pope is the world's senior religionist and his anti-gay stance gives solace to homophobes everywhere. Now he's sending his own mobsters to beat up on young gays in the States. Sounds about par for the course.

And the Baptist bunch you spend your time with – are they really any better? It's God that's the real problem, isn't it? Your big, belligerent, bully in the sky. Why not worship me instead? I'd be so much nicer, and I'll give you a discount.

SIMON

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 15 2005

From: Iain Cooper, Bahrain
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

The Bahrain rehearsals for Brothermandude got off to a dodgy start - only Matt got off the plane! Anyway, after a couple of frantic phone calls I got hold of Dave Ruffy who explained everything. Russell got stuck on the tube and missed his flight - thank god he's a resourceful soul. He got on another flight through Dubai and dutifully pitched up in Bahrain just after midnight .

After a good night's sleep and full English breakfasts all round, things started to look much healthier. They got the gear all set up while I popped to the supermarket for supplies. I was gone all of 15 minutes. When I returned they had already run through The Sun and Heart Attack! Hassan came out the room and looked at me like he'd just had his first shag!

I just sat through the first run through of Don't Wanna Lie. The very first. No introduction, no discussion, just one, two, three...

Fuck me. Russell plays like a streamlined freight train, totally on the money, already knitting with Billy perfectly. He has great tone and real drive and knows the parts perfectly.

Matt is awesone - sound and style - melodic, tight, creative. And very cool.

They already sound like a band and they haven't even started! I don't want to get deep, but there is something happening here. I would pay to see these fuckers play live.

Cheers
IAIN

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 14 2005

From: Thomas Bromley, Tenterden, Kent
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hello Simon

My name is Thomas Bromley. I am a singer/songwriter(yes another one!!!!) and earlier in the year i landed a recording and publishing contract with an independent label 4realrecords. I have just finished recording the album of which i am very pleased with but i dont feel the record company are doing enough for me. Now the songs are finished and signed over to them everything has kinda stopped. I have given up everything to do this and i am now so frustrated with them I'm starting to lose faith in the whole thing. I would very much like your opinion on the album and possibly some guidance (you may think its toss!!!) but i would like your opinion anyway. Would you prepared to do this for me?

Kind regards
THOMAS BROMLEY

Hi Thomas

Yours is the story of the music business...

I've listened to the excerpts of your songs on the your record company's website www.4realrecords.com – they do you no favours putting up un-mixed tracks, but the songs sound good.

The trouble is – for everyone in the music industry – it's such an opportunistic business. The head office of '4realrecords' is in Myrtle Cottage in the middle of the Kent countryside. To most people that might sound like the primary problem. But it isn't. The same story is told by nearly every artist who signs to a major – Sony, EMI or Universal.

Singer/songwriter walks into the record company's offices, sounds great, looks good, nice personality, everyone's excited. They offer a deal - not a big one, in fact, a very small one - just enough, together with their positive reaction, to persuade the artist to sign. Everyone's pleased and excited. They make the album, quickly and without spending too much and rush it out.

Chapter Two. Sudden quick hit, new superstar on the make, everyone delirious. ( This happens once in ten thousand times ).

More normal Chapter Two. General public not much interested, in fact, completely unaware the album is out there because without massive marketing money how are they to know? And the record company are not about to spend ten times more on marketing than they've spent on signing the artist and making his album. Result? Start of great discontent by the artist who has now signed the publishing of all his songs to the record company and feels totally ripped off.

Answer? Should have been a one album deal.

Thomas – there's nothing you can do but grin and bear it. You're signed now for two albums so work with the record company as best you can – cajole them into as much promo as you can – try to understand their side – they're not really interested in individual artists but only in the overall success of the company – yet like nearly all of the people who work in the the music business they like music and must have liked both you and your music to sign you in the first place. It's just that a record company's priorities and an artist's don't really dovetail too well.

My advice is to do what promo there is, push yourself like mad with the press and anyone in the business you know. Make the second album when the time comes and repeat the whole process.

You'll have established a base and learnt a packet. And you'll never sign away your songs to another publisher again for the rest of your life.

Great advice on all these things on Tom Robinson's website. www.tomrobinson.com/work/publishing.htm

Best of luck
SIMON

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 13 2005

From: Jeff Simpson, Manchester, UK
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I'm writing this from Manchester , where I'm now starting my next project - a one hour called Queens of Disco (they give me all the camp subjects!) - a set of potted biogs on Donna Summer, Gloria Gaynor, Chaka Khan, Grace Jones, Sylvester and Madonna - all set in New York in that glamorous age of Disco and Studio 54.

As regards ‘Girls & Boys' (TV version of ‘Black Vinyl White Powder')…

We've now locked off all the pictures for 80s and 90s - I had to dash back to London for the 90s online at the weekend. The remaining job is the vital one of getting the commentary finalised, recorded and added in, which will take place on Sept 28th. It's been a tough slog editorially, finding the arguments and laying them out coherently, but the result is a very powerful, enlightening and entertaining programme. Tranmission will be November 22 onwards, Sunday nights, BBC-2, at 9pm - which is a great slot.

I'm thoroughly delighted with my two episodes. And I can appreciate your itching to see it.

All the best
JEFF

Hi Jeff

You're dead right I'm itching to see it - it's been a very long time in the making, hasn't it! If you remember, our first creative meeting about it was at Julie's restaurant on the day that it snowed and then froze and everyone took eight hours to get home. God knows when that was - February two years ago, I think.

Still, if the programme's as good as you say, it will have been worth the wait. I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Good luck with your disco divas.
SIMON

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 12 2005

From: Gerald Swift-James, County Cork , Eire
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Dear Mr Napier-Bell

Regarding the emails you post each day. They are often very good, as are your responses, but sometimes they are dire. I think, on days when there are no emails good enough to post, it would be better to avail yourself of my services, for this is my area of expertise. I would be prepared to supply you with emails relating to you and your website, complete with your ready-made answers, which you can brush up and amend as you wish, at a charge 100 euros per thirty emails and replies. If you doubt my ability to write suitable emails for your website, I can tell you that you have already published two emails that I sent you under assumed names.

Yours faithfully
GERALD SWIFT-JAMES

Hello Gerald

I'm disappointed your proposal didn't include a suitable answer to send back to you. However, since it sounds like you're in need of gainful employment, I've forwarded your email address to a friend of mine who has stables near Ballylickey and needs someone to clean out the horseshit each morning. You'll find it an interesting occuptation. A 1,000-pound horse produces an average of 50 pounds of manure a day – nine tons a year – not dissimilar I would have thought to the output of your brain.

Regards
SIMON

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 11 2005

From: James Aviston, Kingston, Surrey
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I gather you live in Thailand and travel backwards and forwards to the UK quite a lot. It surprises me that in your weekly piece you don't talk more about life in Thailand which I think a lot of people would find interesting. How about a piece on what you think of the place and how your life is there?

Best wishes
JAMES AVISTON

Hi James

I quite often write about Thailand so I guess you're just not paying attenton. Anyway, as regards my weekly piece I try to alternate between all the things that my life revolves around – food, wine, travel, being in the music business, being a writer, being gay, my love of restaurants, my dislike of religion, etc. But I don't have any sort of strict rota, I just sit down every Saturday morning and think, "Oh fuck, what do I write about this week?" Then, until I've done it, I'm not allowed breakfast or the morning paper. So I plunge into the first thing flows out of my mind.

Next week I'll try to make it about Thailand . But I can't promise. I might find something different comes to mind.

Wait and see
SIMON

SATURDAY SEPTEMER 10 2005

From: Sarah Bennie, Random House, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

The following sounds good but sadly I don't think you will be here.

Simon Mayo Show are doing an item based around the New York Times article which called Coldplay "the most insufferable band of the decade". Simon Mayo is very keen for you to take part in the programme. It's the usual roundtable discussion with four guests. So far they have two critics - Neil McCormick and Caroline Sullivan - and have a bid in for Pete Waterman. They want to know if it would be possible for you to take part, either in the studio or by phone?

Best
SARAH

Hi Sarah

I just read Coldplay's savaging by the US critics. I rather agreed with it and would have loved to do the Simon Mayo show. But from six thousand miles away it's difficult. Last year I did one live round-table by phone and it really wasn't good - bad connection, bad balance, couldn't hear what was being said. So I'd rather not.

Pity, though! I loved the New York Times description of Chris Martin's voice as ‘somewhere between a yodel and hiccup'. I would describe his songs as ‘whingeing to music”.

Never mind. I'm sure Pete Waterman will have plenty to say.

Best regards
SIMON

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 9 2005

From: Tina Johnson, London
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hi simon

in black vinyl white powder i read that you managed the yardbirds when they played a concert at the albert hall with the rolling stones... my mum says that was the best music show she's ever seen in her life... but worse than that, she went to it with HER mum, who's my gran... so i've got the two of them saying i've never seen anything as good as they have... so i wanted to ask you what you think was the best gig you were ever involved with as a manager?

TINA

Hi Tina

There have been too many to pick just one - Wham! in Beijing, Japan at the Budokan, Asia at Miami Hurricane relief - there are great stories to tell about all of them. But the most extraordinary, perhaps, was the Yardbirds, not at the Albert Hall with the Rolling Stones, but at Wembley arena. It was the New Musical Express's annual 'Poll Winners' concert. On ONE bill, playing one after the other, were - The Kinks, The Searchers, The Animals, The Who, The Yardbirds, The Rolling Stones, and The Beatles.

Cheers
SIMON

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 8 2005

From: Donavon Nelson, Gothenburg, Sweden
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi!

Hope all is well. Am I right in assuming you will be in Thailand for Xmas? We've been thinking we might come and join you. We'd like to rent a large apartment or house if possible in your area. That's if Anna can travel ‘cos as you know there's another one on the way. And Damian is such a handful already. When he gets angry he tells me to go to London, or go and type on the computer. All I can do is laugh.

Looking forward to seeing you guys at the GALA awards on the 30th. My outfit is ready. Could you ask Yo if he would get hold of another one of those small spy cameras from one of the street stalls for me? I paid around £5 for it and now my father wants me to get him one.

See you at the end of the month.
DONAVON

Hi

Xmas and New Years Eve this year will be nothing special for us. I'm doing too much travel already to bother to go anywhere over the holiday season. Come to Pattaya. Allan will be here too, in his new apartment. So it will be a sort of ex-wives New Year with one of them bringing a new, 'real' wife and children. What a palaver!!

Re the awards on the 30th, Yo and I both had to have new tuxedos made because we've got so incredibly fat. I suppose you'll turn up in an Armani tux with a 22 inch waist. (How do you manage to stay so perfect??)

Love to Damien and Anna (and whatever's in her big tummy)
SIMON &YO x x x

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 2005

From: Peter Robinson, Cracow, Poland
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I'm on holiday with my wife in her hometown of Cracow , Poland . Cos I write for a living I usually only read books when on holiday, and this time I read I'm Coming To Take You To Lunch.

A fascinating read, brilliantly written, and you weren't kidding about the lunches - you ate at least one per page. When I finally get round to writing mine, I hope I'm as well inspired.  Just wish I'd read it BEFORE interviewing you.

Will be in touch soon to discuss the other book I read. Meantime, thanks for a very enjoyable week with Wham!

Best
PETER

Hi Peter

Thanks for letting me know you liked the book. I remember at the time of the interview I was told you wanted to interview me about the book and it soon became apparent you hadn't read it - always annoying for the author. But your email more than makes up for it.

Hope you're finding Cracow enjoyable. I've never been there, although I've been to Poland quite a few times. Our family is pretty Poland-integrated. My great-great grandfather, Charles Bell, (maybe there should be another 'great' in there) married into the Von Tempsky family (Polish aristocracy). The deal with the Von Tempskys was that thereafter, every eldest son of the Bells would have a Polish name immediately before their surname. They alternated with Stanislaus and Napier (in our case a Polish name not a Scottish one). My father ended up with a Napier before the Bell and decided to hyphenate it.

What was the other book you were reading?

Regards
SIMON

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 6 2005

From: Sam Baroque, Florida
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hello

I am Baroquesam, a friend of Billy Carr. Last week I heard what Brothermandude has been working on. I liked what I heard. I believe the only way they would have lost face is if this art had been thrown aside.

Have fun!

Good luck to all
SAM

Hi Sam

Well you're right. I knew as soon as I heard it, this music and the combination of Hassan with Billy Carr was just too good to let pass by. Fortunately the project is now up and running. Billy will be in Bahrain tomorrow to run through the old songs with Hassan and finalise some new ones. Then in a week's time they'll be joined by Matt and Russel from London on guitar and bass to do a week's rehearsal before going to London to start recording the album. People who've been reading this correspondence still have no idea just how hot this whole thing is. I guess it'll be four or five months before they find out.

All pretty exciting!
SIMON

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 5 2005

From: Abigail Sadeur, Glasgow
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

I read Jenny Short's email with interest because it's been my observation over the last year or so that men and women wine critics find distinctly different words to describe wines. The women wine critics seem much more ready to use tough masculine terms to describe the wines' more savoury tones – petrol, rotting vegetables, compost heap, old leaves – than the male critics, who seem keen to go around the point. Last month I had a Sardinian shiraz-carignano that quite shocked me when I put my nose to the glass. It screamed up my nostrils with one dominant seductive note (and I doubt that many men would use it in a wine review)…. Cock! We were at a dinner of wine-buffs and I just burst out laughing. One of the other women got it too and started giggling with me, and then a gay friend joined in. But the other men remained stoney-faced, living in a vacuum.

ABIGAIL

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 3 2005

From: Jenny Short, Malaga
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

Hi Simon

I read your piece about Epenots Pommard. In my own experience I've never come across anything in a Pommard that could be called ‘a hint of banana'. The wines which have the strongest and most consistent banana overtones are the Riojas. But I'm not sure we should use all these fruit terms to describe wines. People say such silly things to describe wine. Just this week I read someone describing a ten year old South African Pinotage as being like ‘rough-textured candied lemons soaked in petrol'. I thought, ”What the hell does that mean?” So I bought a bottle.

This was a "man's" wine, no doubt about it. The only smell I could use to define it was “stale fart and after shave”. Even so, it was absolutely delicious.

JENNY SHORT

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 3 2005

From: Cliff Mowdray, London
To: simon@blackvinylwhitepowder.com

hello simon

i've just read your book ‘i'm coming to take you to lunch' and want to tell you how much i enjoyed it… i particularly liked the way your two ex boyfriends interacted with the story and with each other… and i loved the character you called professor rolf... sometimes the whole thing seemed liked fiction... were all the characters for real??? i mean – where are donavon and allan these days, your two ex-boy friends??

Yours
CLIFF

Hi Cliff

Yes – everyone in the book was for real – particularly Donavon and Allan. As to where they are today…

Allan cuts hair at Harrods and has a flat in Brighton , but he's about to sell it, give up hairdressing and retire to Singapore (his home town). But he's also bought an apartment in Pattaya (where I live) just down the road from me, and he intends to spend half his time here in Thailand .

Donavon's gone straight. He now lives with his girl-friend in Sweden and has a baby boy (Damien). However we all remain good friends. Last year, when Donavon's baby was christened, Yo, my current boy friend became the godfather. And later this month in London, Yo and Allan and Donavon and I will all be eating dinner together at the GALA awards at the Savoy - everyone the best of friends.

Nice, isn't it?
SIMON

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 2 2005

From: Sarah Bennie, Random House, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hi Simon

With magazines such as Heat and Closer, it must be hell trying to protect celebrities' images when these magazine are desperate to print photographs of people drunk, falling out of cars or leaving the house with unwashed hair looking rough. Is it worse today, or did the Stones have as many problems? Has any manager or publicist achieved such a creative breakthrough as you getting Wham into China and breaking them in the States? If you were managing Robbie Williams how would you have cracked the American market?

Would you have time to write a piece about all the above for the Independent (Media section)? About 1000 words.

Best regards
SARAH BENNIE

Hi Sarah

In the Sixties and Seventies most British pop stars were so keen to establish their anti-establishment credentials that the things publicists now protect them from – being photographed drunk and misbehaving in restaurants – were the very things they did to get themselves into the papers.

Today, everyone can live the rock'n'roll life. Everything rock stars always did – binge drinking, all night sex parties, trashing hotel rooms, overdosing - young people can do for themselves, at the weekend, or in Ibiza . As a result, pop stars have gone back to being pure. Like Will Young, who's even managed to persuade people that ‘Gay is Dull'.

It sounds a pretty easy 1000 words. I'll give it to you in ten days.

Regards
SIMON

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 1 2005

To: Simon Napier-Bell
From: Bill Laforge, Cape Town, SA

Hi Simon

I want your advice. Like you I have a great dislike of religion. I'm also a songwriter and script writer and together with a friend have written a stage musical. It's a sort of reverse story of Christ. Some people walking in the desert find a man on a cross moaning with pain. They take him down, take him home with them, clean his wounds and look after him. To cut this precis short…

He recovers and goes about the town preaching to people that there is no God. Each year of his life goes backwards. Each year he gets a year younger. Eventually he is a teenager again, then a boy, then a baby and in the end he disappears up the vagina of the town's most notorious prostitute - the Hooker Mary.

I know this all sounds daft, but it's highly abbreviated. I promise you the show is very funny, totally offensive and will do brilliantly.

I'm looking for investors. Would you be interested in receiving a full script and some financial information?

Yours
BILL LAFORGE

Hi Bill

Sounds a bit grotesque to me. I'm not a great fan of preachers even if they preach the things I myself believe in. However, I like the bit about him climbing into the whore's vagina. Why not put the whole script up there. Or perhaps use your arse instead.

Cheers
SIMON

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 31 2005

From: Timothy Gee, London
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hello Simon!

Did you see in Sunday's 'Observer' that the Roman Catholic church is considering refusing gay men for training in the priesthood?  No doubt you'll think this is no bad idea since it will mean less RC priests.

TIM

Hi Tim

You know how extreme my thoughts are on such matters. I have no sympathy for the church, nor for gay young men who wish to become priests (unless, perhaps, they're unusually good-looking and exceptionally good at kissing).

Frankly - anyone dim enough to choose Christianity as a calling doesn't deserve the good-fortune to be born gay in the first place.

Lv
SIMON

TUESDAY AUGUST 30 2005

From: Sheikh Hassan AK, Bahrain
To: Simon Napier-Bell

Hey Simon

London was great fun man. Missed you on the last night but the party shall continue when we meet again. The Kasabian gig was amazing, but it was nothing we couldn't top.

I must say when I saw the list of things we needed to do in our ten day's I didn't think we could accomplish half the list. Somehow we did, and had a blast at the same time (too bad the guys missed out on Sketch).

Your piece on me an